STRUGGLING AFTER DIVORCE: PART 2

RESISTANCE

If we take a closer look at anxiety, it is usually the resistance of a feeling. In my marriage, I wanted to feel like I was part of a team. When I wasn’t included, I was hurt and disappointed. I didn’t know how to deal with these negative emotions so I fought the feelings by stuffing them down, DEEP down. I pushed them away and tried to ignore it. As they resurfaced, I fought harder to keep it down and that resistance created the feeling of anxiety. I didn’t have the tools to do anything differently. It is believed that many forms of depression are actually the exhaustion that follows this fight that can never be won. Was I depressed? Possibly. I can now recognize that the dullness became like a cloud over me.

SURVIVAL

Today, those patterns of worry, nervousness and unease only surface intermittently and I no longer fight against them. If I want to grow, it is my responsibility to recognize my thoughts and change my narrative. Is it easy? NOT AT ALL. Of all the work I have done on myself, this continues to be my biggest struggle. There is no blame to assign. Like so many of us, I used to get angry with myself, and I used the word pathetic to describe myself often. But I’m not pathetic, I’m human. I was hurt and in pain. I was just trying to survive, and I was in survival mode a lot.

SUPPORT

Anxiety for me felt like a hard lump in the pit of my stomach. I could feel it, but I didn’t know what it was. If you would have told me it was anxiety, I would’ve laughed. It wears you down mentally and emotionally. I couldn’t find joy, things became muted. I remember moments when I would have sparks of life; at the top of an amazing climb, teaching my kids to ski, riding my horse or being with close family. Those times saved me. I had become sad and lonely in my marriage and finally made the decision that if I couldn’t do life WITH my husband, I would do it without him. So I did. I discovered that along with that dull feeling, I could also feel strong and empowered and do things I’d never imagined. I became part of an amazing climbing partnership and we did things together that were physically difficult and mentally terrifying. I laughed like I hadn’t in years. We adventured, supported and conquered. I met other women and taught them some of the same skills. I became a leader and it filled some holes in my soul.

SELF-WORTH

While I found some pieces of myself, I still had that need to be wanted, loved, and ultimately accepted by my husband. I didn’t realize how much anxiety I had and how much I gave my sense of self-worth to him. Whether he wanted it or not, I gave him the power to determine how I felt; about myself and my life. I stopped trying to feel a connection in my marriage, but even after divorce, it took months for me to realize that I still wanted him to like me. Old habits die hard.

HEALING

Occasionally, I still have a hard time believing that when things are good, they really ARE good. My story has always been, “It can’t last, something will go wrong, I will be wrong “. That’s part of my work. One of the first steps to healing is to replace judgement of ourselves with compassion. I’m breaking an addiction and I’m re-programming my brain to walk away from the habits and mentalities that had become comfortable for me. I really did become comfortable in the unease. I would wait for it, anticipate it, forever on a high state of alert. What was I addicted to? Feeling needed. I was so good at taking care of his feelings. That was how I felt my value in my marriage and I needed it, my self-worth depended on it. For a while after our divorce, we still had that same pattern. I finally recognized how unhealthy it was and slowly stopped putting myself in that role. I still remember how incredibly challenging it was to cut that tie. SO HARD. But I was able to do it. I was on my way to getting my power back.

Originally published at https://corlienelsoncoaching.com on January 3, 2020.